"It gives me great pleasure indeed to see the stubborness of the inorrigible nonconformist warmly acclaimed." - Albert Einstein

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I aspire to a stubbornly incorrigible nonconformity. The degree to which I have achieved my aspiration I leave in the capable hands of those whose wisdom and humilty exceed my own.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Unclogging Life's Blockage

Earlier this week I had a minor crisis. Being fed by tube involves some technology; specifically a rubber tube that is plugged directly into my intestines and is attached to a pump. The technology is not perfect or flawless. One of the most obvious flaws is that I have a tube hanging out of my belly for the rest of my life. One of the other flaws is that I am dependent for all of my nutrition on a system that is prone to getting clogged up.

Monday evening I discovered that my tube was, once again, clogged. I tried to clear it with what had been recommended to me at the hospital, diet cola. Apparently the acid in and effervescence of the soda has the capacity to clear minor blockages. Didn't work. I was still clogged, and consequently, I couldn't get anything to eat Monday night or Tuesday morning.

The first thing Tuesday morning I called the doctor, who was in Moses Lake. However, his nurse said that she would help me and we went in.

It took about thirty minutes to clear my tube with a special brush on a long stiff wire that gets inserted directly into my tube. Everything was, and remains, clear for now.

I have been practicing my Buddhist meditation at least once, and most often three times a day. I have learned some things, or perhaps it is more accurate to say I have re-learned some things. One of the insights I have gained is that my sitting meditation is simply training to live a mindful life; a life where I am fully present in each moment and where nothing can happen that will disrupt my equilibrium and tranquility. Not my best thing. Another thing that I have learned is that as it is on the cushion, so it is in life. I have learned that a life lived mindfully is made evident because there is an inherent happiness that cannot be shaken. And I have learned that in order to clear up life's obstacles, you need the right tools.

When I had this minor crisis I remembered to breathe deeply and put this minor crisis into perspective. I was missing a meal, that's all it was. Nothing to become hysterical over. It is easy for me to descend into some very dark thoughts and places when, among other things, the technology upon which I depend for keeping me going is not working. I decided that I would just be fully present to this  moment in my life. An uncomfortable moment that did not have the capacity to disrupt my equilibrium and tranquility.

And I am very clear that this was a choice I made. I decided not to worry, become anxious, or angry. I decided that I would keep my mind at peace and not be ruled by anger.

In the end, I just didn't have the right tools to clear that clogged up tube on my own. I needed the right tool. The nurse sent me home with that special tube brush so next time I can use it myself.

This all sounds much too simple as I read it now. But I am acutely aware of all the work that has gone into helping me get to this place and to achieve this mindfulness, even if it is just a brief example that might not repeat itself anytime soon. At least for that moment, I was there, really there. Not worrying about the future or regretting things I had done in the past, fully confident that this minor crisis would be relieved without too much trauma.

That made it a good day. And today, I am back to work on learning how to be retired and confident that I have another set of tools with which to unclog life's blockages.

4 comments:

Natalie said...

Sometimes it does come down to having the right tool, doesn't it? A brush, a hammer, a piece of knowledge, or the tool of patience (my shortcoming). I hope I can remember your words of mindfulness as I navigate the months of change ahead.

Petrouschka said...

Besides your minor crisis, I'm very happy to learn about your experience with mindfulness... I've still a long way to go! Not always easy to stay focused on the present moment in stressful moments. It's great to hear that can learn to achieve this!

Petrouschka said...

Besides your minor crisis, I'm very happy to learn about your experience with mindfulness... I've still a long way to go! Not always easy to stay focused on the present moment in stressful moments. It's great to hear that can learn to achieve this!

Sharon Petit said...

Rocci, I am so encouraged in my practice by yours. I love having you as my friend and dharma brother.